*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
You Might Also Like
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
*puts my mental health in rice
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*