I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
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Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
britain’s three elite institutions
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
#gardening
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.