It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
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Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.