before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
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My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.