I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
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5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history