Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
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My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
Pringles
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.