“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
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girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
Still my favourite meme.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
Have a lovely day 😊
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives