Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
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[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
The best plant holders?
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
🔦🌙👣
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?