If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
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impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’