[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
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They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though