Monday
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Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
-phone call-
Me: I can鈥檛 stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I鈥檓 always eating
M: I鈥檓 eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it鈥檚 only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you馃槶.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers