If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
![]()
You Might Also Like
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
Stop sending me this shit.
![]()
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.