Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
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[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Monday
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
Teach your children to beatbox
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.