I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
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man i love columbo
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”