I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
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I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.