Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
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When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
New comic up. “Ransom”
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
A man of commitment.
Not all heroes wear capes….
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.