If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
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White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
That stupid look on my face, is my face
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN