I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
You Might Also Like
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
CRYING
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
“i am a sweet baby”