Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
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I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Natural selection at its finest
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.