“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
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Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
Always a metermaid never a meter