sry
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Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke