*pronounces surface like Versace*
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I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
My current situation
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.