Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
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the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
#growingpains
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Raisins are grape jerky.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me