“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
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ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size