Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
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*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.