My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
You Might Also Like
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.