Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
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i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Festive toon…
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit