A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
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I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.