Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
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Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
Blew out my flip flop…
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes