Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
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I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
Broom by every window for quick escape.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
Cndnsd Mlk
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen