My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
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I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.