What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
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Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal