I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
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Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.