[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
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Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.