Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
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Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.