Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
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I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
me and my fake scenarios
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.