If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
You Might Also Like
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
OMG 🤣🤣
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
Facebook memories be like
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*