I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
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me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.