Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
You Might Also Like
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.