INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
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In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
Finally!
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.