A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
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my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again