*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
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If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.