We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
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The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
Good news
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?