Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
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My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
is it earth
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.