*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
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When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌