The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
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Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.