Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
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Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.