Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
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Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
#winning
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.