Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
You Might Also Like
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.