*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
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I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason